So today is two years later.

Chris, you left on Halloween. You left after I told you about the kids trick or treating at the firehouse, how sweet it was to see them out in costume even amidst the flickering lights, broken trees and all the devastation Sandy brought.

I don’t remember the exact order of things, I wish I did. I remember everything, but I remember it all at once. I’ve always envied people who can fit their memories neatly into a timeline. For me they all just swirl about-all around they go. All the memories of you. The good, the better, the cancer.

I know you were scared because you told me.

I’m pretty sure you told me on the 30th and I said, “don’t be scared” and I held your hand,

“I’m right here.”

“Close your eyes and dance with me.”

You closed your eyes.

You smiled.

I closed my eyes too.

But when my eyes were open I was also afraid. Scared of so many things! Scared that your family, not knowing me at all, would ask me to leave the hospice. Scared that I wouldn’t be able to keep it together for you. Scared that I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t who you wanted there-NEEDED there. I wished I could be Montre for you, I’ve never told anyone that. 

Scared of what it all meant. What I meant to you, what you meant to me, and what you leaving would mean. What it would do. What it would do to me?

Only a very few people knew how bad things had gotten and I was not one of them. The way I found you in hospice was painful, traumatic even, and I didn’t want anyone else to have to go through that. I started reaching out to people I knew you were close to (social media was amazing for this). Some of them I knew well and some I had never spoken to at all.

I did it for you, but didn’t realize how much it would sustain me.  You are so loved the world over, and the messages pouring in gave me so much courage and strength. Sharing peoples thoughts, messages and voicemails with you remains one of the happiest memories of my life so far. A reminder of what one person’s joy can do for another. You made peoples lives! You helped so many people(myself included) find their way back into their own skin. Hearing those stories restored something in me. Just as our friendship did.

Does.

I’m rambling.

I miss you.

You always loved my blog when we lived in Tokyo and always asked why I stopped maintaining it. The truth is I think I stopped because I was scared of something. Scared of too much attention or, God forbid, not enough attention?! Scared of success maybe, or failure? Scared of numbers? Of being misunderstood…Who would read, who would care? Scared that maybe someone wouldn’t like it? That I would be found out as a fraud (which doesn’t even make sense in any way, but actually crossed my mind).

For a person who others often perceive as fearless, I can be quite the scaredy-cat. 

Anyway, lately a lot of people I love (and by a lot I mean 4 people lol) have been asking about the old blog, or recommending that I start a blog, or encouraging me to Vlog (a thought which terrifies me which I guess means I’m going to have to do it at some point), and I want it, crave it, and then…don’t do it.

silly insecurity 🙂

The truth is I have been thinking about it as well, I have owned this domain, MyCastleIntheAir.com for over a year, and I have posted, let’s count it….

One.

One time before today. Lame.

Yesterday was hard. I was listless. I knew today was coming.

Today is easier than yesterday. Yesterday I was anticipating how I would feel today, which was way more dramatic than just letting myself FEEL how I feel today if that makes sense.

Rambling again.

I started to blog.

It is October 31, 2014 and I am blogging.

I miss you my friend, and me loving on you and rambling on and on about myself seems a perfectly fitting way to combat that. If I had a bottle of jack, a humidifier blowing, and your glorious laugh in my ear…

I don’t.

But I do have you.

I have you in my heart, in my soul, and In my story.

Maybe I don’t have you physically in this room, in this apartment in Hollywood.

But when I close my eyes I have you.

I have you holding me. Leading me in a waltz in the most glorious ballroom on heaven or earth. In my castle in the air.

I have us.

Thank you for being everything to everyone you touched, but selfishly Chris, thank you for being all of the things you are, were, and will become to me. My life and my being are infinitely better for knowing you, and for you so generously sharing a little bit of your heart with some silly broken-hearted girl in Tokyo.

Thank you.

Love you always and longer and more.

❤ Kasi

You can always find me there, in my castle in the air.

PS. I bet Beck’s hair tastes like gold dipped in honey huh?

(it so does)